This is one of those blogs that I am writing without knowing what I want to say. My head feels too clogged up with cold, stress and general feeling of illness for me to even think about things logically, to be honest. But I need to get the words out again, just so that they do not float around in my head and that I do not think of them.
On Friday this week I will find out about University, and whether I can do my degree course or not, as it has been planned for over a year now. And I feel physically sick even thinking about it. Angry. Tense, Helpless.
This, and other things have really come into play on a time when I really do not need them to happen. I'm still only two months in dealing with the death of my father, and the stress that this has created to me has stopped the grieving process altogether.
I feel, at the same time, ready to fight this with all my might, but at the same time furious that people have flung this to my face now when I really do not need this in my life. I should be able to heal properly, to take time to get over the negative effects the grieving has had on my body. I have only just gotten out of the feeling that my body was shutting down, and now I have been continuosly ill for over a week, feeling worse and worse as the time goes past. Mentally I haven't had time to process the loss, because all my mental energy is now concentrated on keeping my own head above water with this. I am like the proverbial duck - head above water, feet treading water desperately underneath the surface where no-one else can see.
The worst thing about this is the attitude some people have. How they keep telling me 'it'll be fine', 'you'll cope', 'it's not that big of a thing', 'you can postpone the degree'. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own feelings that they do not seem to understand my situation - how knowing that I will have something enjoyable has kept me going. And they do not understand how, at this very moment in time, their flippant comments undermine that fact that the one thing that I truly have looked forward to it at risk. How something so essential to me might be snapped away from me.
The one thing that I hate about this, more than anything else, really, is the fact that people keep saying 'you'll be fine', yet no-one really takes time to listen to me. I feel like the base of my life is about to fall off, which has lead me to question how I feel about work, about my friends, about where I live - about who I am, to be honest.
There are few words that I can use to express how I feel at the moment - but all I want is for someone to listen to me say those few words and understand how the underlying feeling of dread is taking over my life. For me, nothing else and no-one else really matters at this moment in time - I have only a certain amount of sympathy this week for others when I am going through one of the hardest weeks this summer. You have been warned ;-).
Once this week will be over, normal service will resume. Whatever happens, will happen, and the wait will be over for me. Then I can yet again be the understanding friend to others, start helping others as usual. But this week, someone give me the luxury of being able to feel afraid without being treated like a leper, please.
In the end, I'll cope. I always do - that's me, a born survivor. But I am not immune to the other stuff, you know. That what makes me human.
And after all of this is over :
Roll on next weekend :-D!
I have spent the day at home after being struck down by what appears to be a cold. Two days I've been ill, and there's no end in sight. I guess the stress of the current situation where everything seems to be going wrong or being on hold has finally taken it's toll on me, and I have reached a kind of a saturation point.My body feels like it's finally caved in under the strain, even though my head feels quite clear. I am poised and ready to fight.
A huge amount of what is going on is my own fault, and I have to deal with it accordingly, guilt and all. But a large amount of things is at the hands of other people at the moment, which is a problem for me.
On Friday I had a chat with our occupational health unit, and spend an hour pondering about issues of self-control and self-protection. For as long as I can remember I have been the kind of person who has control over things - I've always had control over my own life, made my own decisions. I've picked what to study, where to live, which jobs to do, which jobs to quit, all in a very stubborn way.
I've taken risks, moved to new cities where I've known no-one, started my life over again and again. Got hurt in the meantime, put myself together again, learned about myself. Very much been my own person, independent and guarded, walked my own path.
And now my future is partly in the hands of other people. Friday next week, I have a panel related to work, where they will decide whether I can go to University in September. And to say that this wait is killing me is putting it lightly. I don't think that I have ever felt this anxious and stresses about anything in my life before. having this happen to me has put the grieving process I'm going through on hold - because I have to concentrate on this fight with work, and being prepared for them to pull the rug under my feet. It's hard to explain the feelings that being this out of control rouses in me. I feel anxious, angry..no, furious, even. Outraged that this all has come in a time in my life where everything has been shaken so badly. Whereas, especially in the BDSM- matters, I am always considerate and flexible, my life in general is non-negotiable with those who are not my nearest and dearest.
The weirdest feeling is that at the same time I feel very ready to be in control of my life. Once that decision comes through, I will kick into action, whatever the outcome.
I will fight on the day to have my right to study, and state that denying it at this point in my life would be a risk to my wellbeing, as studying is the one thing that's 'kept my head above the water' at the moment.
The Union has said they won't pull the plug on my studies. My current supervisor has said that same. But being ever the realist, I am preparing for the worst case scenario. Slowly digging out phonenumbers for the Uni in case I have to ring them up and ask them to change my course to a full-time one next year. Preparing to speak to my old employers about getting a more flexible job with them. Warning family and friends that the 1st of August may see the biggest meltdown of my life so far - and warning them that from that day onwards no-one will ever dictate issues relating to my education and my career to me. Thinking about all the other ramifications of possible outcomes.
The situation for me is a weird one, since for various reasons I have been thinking about myself and BDSM a lot recently, and realized just how flexible and sensitive I am in relation to it. I do not feel that I need certain things, but rather that I am more interested in seeing new ways to do things, new things to try out, to negotiate, wait when needed, encourage when necessary, back off when asked to. It is odd how in a role and position where I am defiantly dominant, I feel more flexible that in my real life.
As a dominant, I will always listen to my submissive. And outside it, I will listen to no-one, lol :-D. Well, apart from the aforementioned nearest and dearest, ofcourse, and I suspect they know who they are :-).
I am ready to spring into action, and take control of my destiny once and for all. But this waiting is torture that's above and beyond imaginable. 11 days to go, and I'll know. Counting down.
It is a weird thing, thinking about how my dominance comes across, feels, and exhibits itself - as opposed to how the stereotype says.
Today I woke up with a feeling of wanting to dominate someone specific. And not in a standardly stereotypical sexual way, either. It is a feeling that has grown stronger each day, through each hurdle along the route, the more the past has been discussed. But this morning, after pondering about stuff when I was lying in bed last night, drifting to sleep, I woke up with a feeling of utter certaintly.
For me, dominance has recently developed an ever stronger aspect of utter tenderness. I may be the one in control, the one taking the lead, but towards the person submitting to me I feel such warmth, appreciatiation and admiration it makes my heart ache :-).
I feel supremely protective. loving and intensely passionate as a dominant, towards the person who has chosen to submit to me. I want to make them feel like they are the centre of my universe, the source of my pleasure and the one I want to guide. At times it feels like it's the submissives that are to feel like that towards their dominants, but that is how I feel towards my submissive - like I'm giving all I have in me for them and watch them grow with it :-).
It is hard to explain how it feels. To think that someone wants me to take the lead and control is a strong thing to experience, and for me a huge honour. And unlike the common assumption that I want them to do what I want, all the time, regardless of how they feel about it, at the moment I keep thinking about how I can take the lead in a way that will make them happy, feel safe.
The emotional side of D/s is a big thing for me. The physical stuff can be nice, but at the moment the thing that I crave intensely is that mental connection, where I can be deferred to, but where I am seen as someone who treats their submissive like they are the most precious thing in the world. because for me they are. How can you not treasure and adore someone who is willing to give themselves to you in that way? How can that submission not be the most dumbfounding thing to see, something that makes you go silent in awe and amazement?
Tenderness, I guess that is the feeling I have. Wanting someone as mine, but in a hugely 'fluffy' way. Wanting someone to defer to me and to have them feel like I will protect them against anything the life throws at them, fight for them. Not because they're 'mine', but because I want to. To have those moments after a hard day when you just lie together in bed, not having to speak but having that unspoken connection that you just feel. That moment where you stroke someone's hair and think to yourself 'I'll protect you from everything you can ever be scared of, for as long as you want me to'. That moment where you feel responsible for someone, and know it's because you want to be responsible for them.
And having that feeling brought flooding back to you when you're going abouts your everyday life.. that's the most amazing thing. When you smile to yourself because you remember those moments together, and dream of the future moments where you can make someone feel good, and safe...and dream of seeing it before your very eyes, knowing it's because of you, and getting enjoyment because of it.
As said, it's a hard thing to explain. Hopefully one day I can express the feeling in a way that it deserves.
For me, every force in life has a counterforce. The power of control for me, in the best instance, has that soft romantic edge. That determined control has to have feeling behind it that makes my heart sing.
For those of you that don't know, my family lives in a country away from the UK. because of this, for the past 8 years I have been on and off planes, travelling to and from my childhood home.
This year I have obviously been there for four times. Two 'normal' visits, one because of the death of my father, and now, another visit, planned last year, but marred by sadness because of the circumstances.
Here I am again, returning from a visit to my mum, who's now alone in the house. Still off on sick leave, she cannot sleep well, and is very agitated indeed. It's heartbreaking to see - she functions well, but just isn't 'right'. She is in so much pain, it's unbearable to watch.
And I'm here at Stansted Airport, waiting for my bus to get to the city centre so I can catch my connection to Liverpool and home from thereonwards. And I don't feel right myself.
In certain aspects in life - in which I mean the D/s side of me - I feel I have finally sorted myself out. After all the madness, I feel that I am back to my own dominant self. I'm ready to finally take the control that I want, because I feel the ability to control again.
After the death of my father, I felt very vulnerable, and that had a direct effect on how I have deal with one specific relationship I have. And I am not proud of what I have done with it - I have been weak where I ought to have been strong. At the same time, I have needed that weakness to be let out.
But in others, I do not know what to do. And by that I mean work. I question my own happiness where I live constantly, and whether I want to do the job that I am in. Am I happy, being who I am, professionally?
And I do not want that uncertainty to effect me in any way.
