Today was supposed to be an awful day. At work I was tasked to take part in something I did not want to do. because of it, I've just spend hours in the blustery winds, freezing cold and slightly miffed off at the 'powers at be'.
However the day was nothing short of lovely. For one reason only, known only to a selected few.
I am in a situation that should feel nerve-racking, that should bring out all the feelings of nervousness, wanting to rush things, insecurity and uncertainty. I should feel on edge because of it.
But I am not feeling those feelings at all. All I can say is that I feel serene. Happy to the core. I smile a lot to myself. I feel like I have no need to have any negative feelings. Like I don't need to rush with anything. Like things will happen when they're meant to happen. Like things were meant to be like this.
I really should elaborate, and God knows I want to :-D. However, I am tired and have another fantastic day ahead of me tomorrow, so logically I will go to bed and have a few hours sleep, possibly followed by an early-morning breakfast at a cafe. Besides, I may make embarrassingly gushy comments about various stuff, and would not want to make anyone cringe :-D! I'll just keep my thoughts to myself, shall I?
Three days off from work. I think I will have to take residence in my bed under the duvet for those three days. make coffee, buy some jaffa cakes and read a book. Really take pleasure in stuff.
My computer's died. To say I am mightily pissed off is an understatement. Seeing as a lot of people I am close to live all over the place, I need my computer to keep in contact with them. Yesterday I felt like my arm was cut off, but luckily I have my landladys computer I can use, for the time being, anyway ;-p.
Life is getting more and more interesting by the minute. Plans are formulation in relation to several things, from my future academic endeavours to adventures of other sorts.
It is nice to be able to say that things are balancing out, that work is finally letting go of the grip it has had on me. Sure, I am still devoted to it, but it is actually starting to feel as something I can handle as a part of my life, as opposed to the majority of it.
I have always been a workaholic. I used to do 80-odd hours after graduation. I still feel like I have the potential to slip into that life, but I am finally beginning to see that it is not the best way to go.
I am finally beginning to realize that you have to plan for the future, but concentrate on what's right in front of you. That's what matters - appreciate what you have, aim higher, and enjoy every moment if you can.
Emotional turmoil does take quite a toll on you, doesn't it?
I have just come out of one of those days. The turmoil was because of expectations of everything coming crashing down at work today. It didn't - instead I got a pat in the back and got told hat even though things still needed to be 'polished' more, the job was indeed a good 'un.
So I floated on a little cloud of happiness. Relief. Relaxation. Yeah, I was busy througout the day, with both of my supervisors stressed and angry. But I was feeling like I was finally about to win the fight. I walked home in the gorgeous winter afternoon, full of spirit and fight once again.
Then I got home, and it's been *pfffffffftttt* - like air being let out from a balloon. I feel like I cannot even move from the sofa. I am so tired, so exhausted and so unable to take anything in. The news I am watching are not sinking in. I am too tired to go and have a bath, too tired to get up and get my coffeefrom the mantle piece.
The one thing I have recently been thinking about quite a lot of not being able/wanting to say things to people. You know the stuff: 'no, I'm busy and can't do this', 'stop being a git', 'I think I quite fancy you', you know the drill.
You're an adult, and saying things like that should come like a second nature. As long as the sentences are formatted in a way that is logical,and not offencive, where's the harm in saying them?
To say that you cannot handle a workload, that you haven't got the time, that you find someone lovely, or that you cannot handle someone behaviour and want them to either stop or move on - it all should be do-able. But noooo, never happens. I shut up and simmer along.
Same with expressing emotions with loved ones. I have always found all that lovey-dovey stuff quite hard. I don't remember having those deeply emotional moments with my family - it's always been a pat in the back and 'good luck' kid; when I joined the army, moved abroad, joined my current job. The love is there, but you never need to say it. Some things are so obvious they do not need the words to verify their existence.
What makes it all very confusing is that the softer side has been brought forward by a very definite dynamic towards D/s, yet once again. For those in the know - you know what I am talking about. For those who don't: it's BDSM, dominance/submission - all the stuff that is labelled as perverted by a lot of people.
For me it seems that the more dominant I get, the more caring characteristics I develop. No, not develop - express. I have always had a hugely caring side in me, which no doubt has affected my career choices. But I am very good at hiding it away - a way of self-preservation after getting hurt a few times.
However, now... I find myself really distinctly wanting to 'care' for someone, while at the same time wanting to 'hurt' them. There's no element of wanting to 'rescue' them , though. I'm done withwanting to do that.
It's weird feeling, that desire to 'humiliate' and 'love' at the same time. It's nice at the same time too, like having things come together and make sense.Like what I do having purpose of some sort.
Most importantly, after some interesting experiences, this is clearly directed at a certain person, and not just anyone. Which makes me clearly think that I am no casual player in this life. That's been a bit of a revelation for me - not one to ever have slept around, I have always however thought the I can live a life of Riley and carry on. Now it seems like I don't want to. I want to concentrate my free time towards one person - one goal for my actions, I guess.
One day I will say all of this and more, out loud. But for the time being I will just carry on making comments. Then again - I think my hand has already been seen, now I just wait for the raise :-p.
I decided to start a new blog. I have one spanning from 2002 to the current day, detailing all the trials and tribulations from my old days as a student to a graduate, trying to understand myself and my life. And what fun it was - such amazing days of exuberance and happiness in the drunken haze :-).
I have another one, which I for some reason am not comfortable in using anymore. I do not know why, seeing as it is read by friends - and so will this one, no doubt. I guess I feel more confortable ranting on about politics, philosophy and general stupidity in a blog away from my usual 'reference group'.
I used to do that. Having just read my old blog from when I was a student, it did never seized to amaze me how intellectual my posts were - monologues about jus in bello and world politics. And then I got a 'real job', and lost all the intellectual pretence. Damned shame ;-)!
So here it is - a new start.
It feels like a new start to me, too. In seven months time I will take on my Masters studies. Hopefully by that time I have managed to iron out all conflict that is current in my life, from work to finances to friends that are showing signs of being a bit too temperamental (In case of said temperamental friends reading this: what can I say? You have to understand that I am always here for you because I love you, but you also have to be there for me when I need you. In the next few months, I suspect I will need you quite a lot. Not a shoulder to cry on or a punchbag, but someone to every now and then show some interest in how things are for me, as opposed to just raving on about your own problems. And no, this does not mean that I won't be thre for you, you bleedin' morons :-D!!! Sheesh..with friends like you, who needs enemies ;-)?).
