The week from hell has started
This is one of those blogs that I am writing without knowing what I want to say. My head feels too clogged up with cold, stress and general feeling of illness for me to even think about things logically, to be honest. But I need to get the words out again, just so that they do not float around in my head and that I do not think of them.
On Friday this week I will find out about University, and whether I can do my degree course or not, as it has been planned for over a year now. And I feel physically sick even thinking about it. Angry. Tense, Helpless.
This, and other things have really come into play on a time when I really do not need them to happen. I'm still only two months in dealing with the death of my father, and the stress that this has created to me has stopped the grieving process altogether.
I feel, at the same time, ready to fight this with all my might, but at the same time furious that people have flung this to my face now when I really do not need this in my life. I should be able to heal properly, to take time to get over the negative effects the grieving has had on my body. I have only just gotten out of the feeling that my body was shutting down, and now I have been continuosly ill for over a week, feeling worse and worse as the time goes past. Mentally I haven't had time to process the loss, because all my mental energy is now concentrated on keeping my own head above water with this. I am like the proverbial duck - head above water, feet treading water desperately underneath the surface where no-one else can see.
The worst thing about this is the attitude some people have. How they keep telling me 'it'll be fine', 'you'll cope', 'it's not that big of a thing', 'you can postpone the degree'. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own feelings that they do not seem to understand my situation - how knowing that I will have something enjoyable has kept me going. And they do not understand how, at this very moment in time, their flippant comments undermine that fact that the one thing that I truly have looked forward to it at risk. How something so essential to me might be snapped away from me.
The one thing that I hate about this, more than anything else, really, is the fact that people keep saying 'you'll be fine', yet no-one really takes time to listen to me. I feel like the base of my life is about to fall off, which has lead me to question how I feel about work, about my friends, about where I live - about who I am, to be honest.
There are few words that I can use to express how I feel at the moment - but all I want is for someone to listen to me say those few words and understand how the underlying feeling of dread is taking over my life. For me, nothing else and no-one else really matters at this moment in time - I have only a certain amount of sympathy this week for others when I am going through one of the hardest weeks this summer. You have been warned ;-).
Once this week will be over, normal service will resume. Whatever happens, will happen, and the wait will be over for me. Then I can yet again be the understanding friend to others, start helping others as usual. But this week, someone give me the luxury of being able to feel afraid without being treated like a leper, please.
In the end, I'll cope. I always do - that's me, a born survivor. But I am not immune to the other stuff, you know. That what makes me human.
And after all of this is over :
Roll on next weekend :-D!
