The waiting game
I have spent the day at home after being struck down by what appears to be a cold. Two days I've been ill, and there's no end in sight. I guess the stress of the current situation where everything seems to be going wrong or being on hold has finally taken it's toll on me, and I have reached a kind of a saturation point.My body feels like it's finally caved in under the strain, even though my head feels quite clear. I am poised and ready to fight.
A huge amount of what is going on is my own fault, and I have to deal with it accordingly, guilt and all. But a large amount of things is at the hands of other people at the moment, which is a problem for me.
On Friday I had a chat with our occupational health unit, and spend an hour pondering about issues of self-control and self-protection. For as long as I can remember I have been the kind of person who has control over things - I've always had control over my own life, made my own decisions. I've picked what to study, where to live, which jobs to do, which jobs to quit, all in a very stubborn way.
I've taken risks, moved to new cities where I've known no-one, started my life over again and again. Got hurt in the meantime, put myself together again, learned about myself. Very much been my own person, independent and guarded, walked my own path.
And now my future is partly in the hands of other people. Friday next week, I have a panel related to work, where they will decide whether I can go to University in September. And to say that this wait is killing me is putting it lightly. I don't think that I have ever felt this anxious and stresses about anything in my life before. having this happen to me has put the grieving process I'm going through on hold - because I have to concentrate on this fight with work, and being prepared for them to pull the rug under my feet. It's hard to explain the feelings that being this out of control rouses in me. I feel anxious, angry..no, furious, even. Outraged that this all has come in a time in my life where everything has been shaken so badly. Whereas, especially in the BDSM- matters, I am always considerate and flexible, my life in general is non-negotiable with those who are not my nearest and dearest.
The weirdest feeling is that at the same time I feel very ready to be in control of my life. Once that decision comes through, I will kick into action, whatever the outcome.
I will fight on the day to have my right to study, and state that denying it at this point in my life would be a risk to my wellbeing, as studying is the one thing that's 'kept my head above the water' at the moment.
The Union has said they won't pull the plug on my studies. My current supervisor has said that same. But being ever the realist, I am preparing for the worst case scenario. Slowly digging out phonenumbers for the Uni in case I have to ring them up and ask them to change my course to a full-time one next year. Preparing to speak to my old employers about getting a more flexible job with them. Warning family and friends that the 1st of August may see the biggest meltdown of my life so far - and warning them that from that day onwards no-one will ever dictate issues relating to my education and my career to me. Thinking about all the other ramifications of possible outcomes.
The situation for me is a weird one, since for various reasons I have been thinking about myself and BDSM a lot recently, and realized just how flexible and sensitive I am in relation to it. I do not feel that I need certain things, but rather that I am more interested in seeing new ways to do things, new things to try out, to negotiate, wait when needed, encourage when necessary, back off when asked to. It is odd how in a role and position where I am defiantly dominant, I feel more flexible that in my real life.
As a dominant, I will always listen to my submissive. And outside it, I will listen to no-one, lol :-D. Well, apart from the aforementioned nearest and dearest, ofcourse, and I suspect they know who they are :-).
I am ready to spring into action, and take control of my destiny once and for all. But this waiting is torture that's above and beyond imaginable. 11 days to go, and I'll know. Counting down.
