A night at the airport

 For those of you that don't know, my family lives in a country away from the UK. because of this, for the past 8 years I have been on and off planes, travelling to and from my childhood home.

 This year I have obviously been there for four times. Two 'normal' visits, one because of the death of my father, and now, another visit, planned last year, but marred by sadness because of the circumstances.

 Here I am again, returning from a visit to my mum, who's now alone in the house. Still off on sick leave, she cannot sleep well, and is very agitated indeed. It's heartbreaking to see - she functions well, but just isn't 'right'. She is in so much pain, it's unbearable to watch. 

And I'm here at Stansted Airport, waiting for my bus to get to the city centre so I can catch my connection to Liverpool and home from thereonwards. And I don't feel right myself.

 In certain aspects in life - in which I mean the D/s side of me - I feel I have finally sorted myself out. After all the madness, I feel that I am back to my own dominant self. I'm ready to finally take the control that I want, because I feel the ability to control again.

 After the death of my father, I felt very vulnerable, and that had a direct effect on how I have deal with one specific relationship I have. And I am not proud of what I have done with it - I have been weak where I ought to have been strong. At the same time, I have needed that weakness to be let out.

 But in others, I do not know what to do. And by that I mean work. I question my own happiness where I live constantly, and whether I want to do the job that I am in. Am I happy, being who I am, professionally?

 And I do not want that uncertainty to effect me in any way.